The Human Centipede vs. The Very Hungry Caterpillar

So everyone's really been buzzing about a heartwarming little film known as The Human Centipede! Now, I don't know about you, but the minute I heard about this movie, the first thing that popped into my mind was the title of one of my all-time favorite kids' books. Perhaps this is what comes from being both a parent and a horror fanatic simultaneously... But, be that as it may, this is not the right place if you're looking for a review *. However, if you happen to be looking for a comparison of the year's most controversial piece of scatological torture porn and one of the most cherished works of juvenile literature ever written, then step right up!

Cover: The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Poster: The Human Centipede

Advantage: Very Hungry Caterpillar
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The Very Hungry Caterpillar tells the story of a caterpillar munching his way through various bits of his favorite food, before finally being reborn as a beautiful butterfly.

The Human Centipede tells the story of a mad scientist who sews people's mouths to other people's rectums to create an abominable freak of nature.

Advantage: Human Centipede
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The Very Hungry Caterpillar stars an amiable insect painted in warm orange, green and yellow hues.

The Human Centipede stars severe German actor Dieter Laser, who also appeared in the 2001 film Suck My Dick.

Advantage: Very Hungry Caterpillar
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The Very Hungry Caterpillar was the product of Eric Carle, an award-winning children's author who also gave us Pancakes, Pancakes; Have You Seen My Cat?; and The Grouchy Ladybug.

The Human Centipede was the product of Dutch writer/director Tom Six, who debuted in 2004 with Gay in Amsterdam.

Advantage: Very Hungry Caterpillar
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The Very Hungry Caterpillar teaches us how to count to five, as well as the different days of the week.

The Human Centipede teaches us never to ask for help if we get a flat tire in suburban Germany.

Advantage: Human Centipede
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The Very Hungry Caterpillar was published in 1969.

Dieter Laser made his screen debut in 1969.

Advantage: Even
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In The Very Hungry Caterpillar, our protagonist eats such things as chocolate cake, ice cream, watermelon, a lollipop, salami and a pickle.

In The Human Centipede, our protagonists eat each others' feces. They also drink a glass of water laced with rohypnol.

Advantage: Very Hungry Caterpillar
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Eric Carl was inspired to write The Very Hungry Caterpillar by punching holes in a stack of paper with a holepuncher.

Tom Six was inspired to write The Human Centipede by a conversation in which he and a friend tried to come up with the most heinous concept imaginable.

Advantage: Human Centipede
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George W. Bush often showed children The Very Hungry Caterpillar while visiting classrooms during his presidency.

George W. Bush did not often show children The Human Centipede while visiting classrooms during his presidency.

Advantage: The Human Centipede
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The Very Hungry Caterpillar was featured on Sesame Street.

The Human Centipede was featured at Screamfest and Fantastic Fest.

Advantage: Very Hungry Caterpillar
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The Very Hungry Caterpillar is known for introducing readers to the wonder of metamorphosis, from egg to pupa to butterfly, reinforcing the notion of life's perpetual renewal.

The Human Centipede contains a scene in which a Japanese man is coerced to carry a newspaper in his mouth while dragging two American tourists attached to his ass.

Advantage: Human Centipede
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Result: The Human Centipede 5, The Very Hungry Caterpillar 5, one category even! It's a dead heat, folks! I'm afraid you'll have to be the final judge in this epic battle of sadistic horror and life-affirming boardbooks. Personally, I take this as a sign that they are simply meant to be enjoyed together.

* Yes, there will be an actual review at some point very soon.

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