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Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Ms. Alba, Haven't You Done Enough Harm Already?

As if her lame retread of the Chinese cult favorite The Eye hasn't built enough ill will toward Jessica Alba amongst genre fans, the vacuous actress has now seen fit to desecrate some of the finest horror films ever made.

In a new cover story for Latina magazine, Alba ineptly attempts to recreate famous scenes from her five supposedly favorite horror movies. Check out this cringe-worthy Psycho shot:


If only young Jessica possessed a tenth of the poise, class and chops of a Janet Leigh, this might not be nearly as sad. Want more? Here's her take on Rosemary's Baby:


Check her out displaying the acting skills she honed on the Disney Channel. And speaking of sacrilege, here's Jessie's impersonation of Tippi Hedren in The Birds:


Alba has some better luck with Scream, in which she steps into the shoes of an actress nearly as inane and irritating as herself:


Notice how they made sure that Ghostface can actually be seen creeping up on her, just so readers would be able to tell what movie it's supposed to be? Nice touch. If you have the constitution for one more, here's a rather artful--if only loosely adapted--tribute to The Exorcist:


Now if only that ceiling wasn't there, then maybe she might have simply floated away into the stratosphere, so that we would no longer have to be subjected to drek like Good Luck Chuck and FF: Rise of the Silver Surfer.

15 comments:

CG said...

Ha!! These are fu*king ridiculous.

Jo said...

Oh my, why?!

This is along the lines of what Lindsey Lohan did this month [although worse] with re-creating the last photoshoot Marilyn Monroe did. Why do these actresses think they can get away with such acts? Tsk, tsk.

ps. At least Lohan showed boobs, ha.

B-Sol said...

Yep, it's the same situation, where you have the actresses of today trying to emulate the more stylish and poised starlets of the past. Everytime they try, they just come across as little girls playing pretend.

Mark Hodgson said...

That last one is surely POLTERGEIST. There's no 'crawling around on the ceiling' in THE EXORCIST.

If they were taking horror seriously they might have got their facts right.

B-Sol said...

Not only that, but it wouldn't be my first choice as far as Exorcist scenes for her to emulate...

Karl Hungus said...

Meh, I'd hop on the "Lets bash Alba" bandwagon, but with films like Fantastic Four, she was the least of the problems. I don't care if you had Rachel Weisz in it, it would've still be awful.

Karswell said...

The problem I have with the photos is that in the original you can see a REAL actress acting REALLY SCARED. Alba on the other hand opted for the "amusement park photo booth with her drunk girlfriends and having themselves a giggle" approach. Actually none of these are her fault, how about the lame photographer who couldn't get her to look even a tad nervous instead of tad wooden? Young Hollywood can drink piss for all I care...

B-Sol said...

I'm with ya Steve. I'll take Ava Gardner, Sophia Loren or Racquel Welch over these waifs anyday.

J Luis Rivera said...

I prefered the photo series done about Hitchcock. Bardem, Watts, those were real actors. Well, all except Rogen.

Cheers.

B-Sol said...

Where was that, J? Sounds interesting. And Seth Rogen may be no Olivier, but he's one funny dude.
By the way, I greatly enjoyed your work as a WWF jobber in the early 1980s.

Dove said...

That is truly horrendous and I can't decide which is worse the Psycho or the Rosemary's Baby picture. Though we may all have appreciated seeing the next scene in Psycho if she was still there!

B-Sol said...

Wellm, let me settle it for you. That Psycho one has to be the lamest thing I've ever seen. It almost looks like she's making fun of it.

cinderelly said...

thank goodness someone else felt the same...i though i was just me. my daughters were discussing her and her pregnancy, and i said "i'm kinda sick of hearing about her already" and later that afternoon she was not only the front cover of my latina mag, but the back cover as well!

B-Sol said...

She's just not a very talented actress, and I'm baffled by all the attention she gets. She's not even attractive to make up for it.

Anonymous said...

^^

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