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Thursday, December 11, 2008

Want to Know Just How Many Horror Remakes Are in the Works?

Are you sure you want to know? The Den of Geek has culled a list of all the remakes that are officially greenlit at the moment, totaling a mind-numbing 55 in all. And of those 55, here are the 13 horror remakes we can all so joyfully look forward to in the next couple years...

They Live In the very early stages, from the people who brought you the admittedly terrific Dawn of the Dead redo.
The Crazies Thankfully, Uncle George has at least been invited to the dance as an executive producer. Timothy Olyphaunt of Deadwood fame will star.
The Incredible Shrinking Man Richard Matheson's intense sci-fi thriller, previously adapted in the 1950s, will be turned into a comedy vehicle for Eddie Murphy. You know, 'cause those are doing so well lately.
The Last House on the Left This one (pictured) has just finished filming, and will hit next year.
The Thing Wrap your head around this one: A remake of a remake. Based on a short story. Yowza...
The Birds Expect it in 2011, with George Clooney and Naomi Watts filling in for Rod Taylor and Tippi Hedren.
Hellraiser This one is now in the directorial hands of Pascal Laugier, after fellow Frenchmen Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury of Inside infamy got the axe.
Poltergeist Will most likely reach the public next year, despite a resounding, collective "Why?" from fans everywhere.
Child's Play Brad Dourif will return as the voice of Chucky, and original writer Don Mancini will script.
The Rocky Horror Picture Show Hey kids! It's a gelded MTV re-imagining of the most popular midnight cult classic of all time!
Rosemary's Baby Michael Bay is behind this sacrilege, set for 2010.
Near Dark Speaking of Michael Bay, he'll also be spewing forth this one, from music video director Samuel Bayer. Luckily, it seems to be in development hell.
Angel Heart Not quite a remake of the Robert DeNiro/Mickey Rourke '80s classic, this one will instead re-adapt the source novel, Fallen Angel.
The Host Just when you thought the Asian remake craze was over...
* * * * * * * * * *

I bring you an amusing VoH anecdote today. My sister, a raging, long-time fan of The Howard Stern Show, took it upon herself to send an email to Stern Show prankster Richard Christy--a well-known horror junkie--informing him of my blog. Turns out Mr. Christy was already in the loop. His response: "That's so cool that The Vault of Horror is your brother's blog! I'm very aware of it and I read it all the time! Tell, him I'm a big fan!"

There you have it, folks. Some rare confirmation for my delusions of grandeur. Thanks for the kind words and support, Richard. You're welcome in the Vault anytime! And thanks for the guerilla marketing, sis!


gord said...

Honestly, I'm actually looking forward to;

The Crazies - since Romero is involved and the original was not all that great

The Birds - I'd love to see this old atmospheric film get a proper remake, with hopefully not to much of a focus on action. Plus I'll watch Watts in anything

Rosemary's Baby - Ultimate in sacrilege sure, but I'd love to see this one be a little more scary, and less dawdling than the original. But yeah, it's Michael Bay, so phooey

The only one I really don't get is Last House. You just can't match an exploitation classic in today's climate, so what's the point?

Also, don't know if you saw, but The Wolfman remake, which I can't wait for, has been pushed back from April 3 to November 6.

Garg Unzola said...

Welcome to Post-Modernism. You've seen it all before. You've heard it all before. Now, see and hear it again. Same old story, different ripped off haircuts and fashion.
Need.. new.. ideas.. must.. have.. nouvelle.. vogue..

Streets of Stamford said...

Punch me in the balls. Please.

Child's Play? Isn't the last one still in theaters somewhere? And didn't they get more and more awful??

Michael Bay already took a giant Deceptidump all over Transformers, so why not let him violate Rosemary and spew forth his own demon spawn?

I realize that nothing is sacred in Hollywood, but some of these movies would be ruined by an "updating" or a "re-imagining." Plus, some of them are fine just the way they are!! What's wrong with Hellraiser???

thebonebreaker said...

Near Dark?!?
Now that is blasphemy!

Alana Noel Voth said...

Hey B-Sol,

A remake of The Thing will never come out superior to John Carpenter's vision. My second favorite horror movie of all time. Please Whomever, don't remake or reimagine this film.

As for Hellraiser. Will Clive Barker be involved at all? Again, not sure it would benefit from a remake or reimagining. The movie is pristine as is. In my top ten favorite horror movies of all time.

I refuse to see a remake of Last House on the Left. The first is a classic, a product of it's era. Creepy, unsettling, memorable, awful. I'd feel the same if anyone got the bright idea to remake I Spit On Your Grave.

Last but not least: why anyone would want to create and/or see another Child's Play film makes me barf in my mouth a little. beyond me.


gord said...

I've always wanted to see The Thing done with less of a focus on the monsters and made the whole thing purely about the paranoia between the group of men.

I mean sure it was like 80% about paranoia, but for me once you see the monster you're no longer scared and you know who/what's the villain.

While I love The Thing for what it is, a monster movie, I'd love to see a purely human drama set in the same place, with the same story, minus the effects. The reason I want a reimagining (though believe me I'm not excited in the least for this one) instead of choosing one of the other myriads of man vs man horror films is because IMO The Thing did that part the best out of any other similar movie I've ever seen.

Though I guess that also means I'll never seen the remake I want since I'd want all the same people involved again....

B-Sol said...

Gord: Don't know how I could've left out the Wolf Man remake, that's the only one I'm really excited about.

JR: It's important to remember that the producers behind these remakes don't CARE whether or not the originals need updating, they're just interested in the cash to be made from banking on a proven commodity.

Alana: Yes, Barker is involved with Hellraiser as an exec producer. And please don't repeat that again about I Spit on Your Grave. You might jinx it!

Alana Noel Voth said...

Hi Gord,

I appreciated your comments regarding The Thing. And I'll try not to go all over protective and everything since I love Carpenter's version so much. But listen, for me, the special effects were disturbing, and admittedly the whole dog Thing in the dog pen fucked me the fuck out, as in, I was so upset about the dogs. But for me, the real tension, the true horror, if you will, was the paranoia between the men. That was fucking beautiful; it was fucking awful. Because you know that's exactly what would happen, and I dig horror flicks in which human beings prove themselves the most monstrous of all. Like The Mist.

Shit. Maybe you're right about a remake, Gord, in which that angle is further explored, but that will never happen, like you said, because I'm with you: John Carpenter would have to direct, same actors would have to play their parts, and you just know the remake will be all about the gore, the monster. Fuckers.


Alana Noel Voth said...


I know. I fucking opened my mouth, didn't I? Now watch. Some jerk will get the bright idea to remake that movie. Fucker.


Anonymous said...

It's so crazy how many remakes are coming! I didn't know about a few of these! I can't say I'm against remakes (The TCM remake was quite good! Halloween was decent. I liked The Grudge as well).

But things like Rosemary's Baby and The Birds? If the movie can't be improved upon, then why bother? And there's no improving fucking HITCHCOCK!

gord said...


Oh yeah, I didn't mean to imply that the effects weren't good, I mean they were top notch and awesome.

It's just that as you said, man is the most dangerous animal. And I know it's a cliche story line, and belief, but as I said, The Thing did that stuff the best of any movie I've ever seen and I would have loved to have seen them go full tilt with that stuff.

Also a Spit on Your Grave remake would be awful. Though I do remember one summer re-writing the thing for fun. I thought the dialogue and pacing could have been greatly improved (but I know, then it wouldn't have been a trashy exploitation film...) so I did. Don't know where it got to..

Also Alana, if The Thing is your second favourite horror film, what is your first?

Anonymous said...

The only one of these that doesn't annoy me is The Crazies. Assuming it's done right, it could do what a remake SHOULD do: improve upon the original. The rest of these, I'd say, could not be improved upon.

They Live is debatable. While the original is by no means a classic, a Roddy Piper-less They Live would make me sad. But the anti-consumerism message is ripe for the picking in today's environment (though it would've worked better during the Bush era, I think).

The rest of these? Fuck 'em.

Anonymous said...

Apparently Hollywood has no more original ideas, they are re-making everything, even non-horror :(

The only one I'm looking forward too is Last House on Left, hopefully it is somewhat good!

B-Sol said...

Well, Garret Dillahunt is playing the lead psycho in the remake of Last House, and he is an amazing actor. If this is who I think it is, I know how much you love the original, so keep your fingers crossed...

cindy said...

didn't they remake Rosemary's Baby already and call it the Astronaut's Wife? i do love john carpenter's The Thing and also Near Dark, but i am always going to watch the remakes anyway, so might as well go in with an open mind, no?! lol! (and The Thing has a special place in my heart...we tortured my little brother with it, 'cause he was terrified of the monsters. we never saw a kid move out of the room sooo fast in my life as when we would pop THAT tape in the vcr!)

AndyDecker said...

Words fail me. What a waste of good money.

Wes Fierce said...

Just for the record, the Near Dark remake has been cancelled and the Nightmare on Elm Street remake has been greenlit.

pot head pixie said...

It's good to see that Suspiria seems to have dropped off the list! Now that would be sacrilege!

B-Sol said...

While it wasn't included in the list, I do think the Suspiria remake is still happening :-(

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