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Saturday, August 1, 2009

The Vault of Horror & Day of the Woman Present: The REAL 20 Greatest Vampires of All Time

There it was, staring me in the face, mocking me with its awfulness to come up with something better. When Entertainment Weekly's 20 Greatest Vampires list was brought to my attention via Day of the Woman yesterday, it took all I had not to pull an Elvis on my computer screen. I'm not one to rip EW apart as others do, I often enjoy their lists. But this had to be one of the most wrong-headed abominations I've ever seen.

I won't get into the details of what makes it so atrocious, as that was covered yesterday quite succinctly by BJ-C. And before anyone instructs me to get down off my high horse, let me explain something. I know that EW's list is meant for mainstream consumption, and is not intended with hardcore horror fans in mind. I also know a thing or two about how these lists are put together, having worked for years for a consumer magazine myself. However, none of this means I have to like it. Nor does it mean that horror fans should sit idly by and accept it.

Therefore, I'll remain on my high horse, thank you very much, and bestow upon the worthy horror faithful, a list of the 20 Greatest Vampires of All Time that we can be proud of:

  1. Count Graf Orlok (1922 Nosferatu)
  2. Dracula (as portrayed by Bela Lugosi)
  3. Dracula (as portrayed by Christopher Lee)
  4. Lestat de Lioncourt (Anne Rice's creation, not the woefully miscast Tom Cruise)
  5. Eli
  6. Vampirella
  7. Carmilla
  8. John & Miriam (The Hunger)
  9. Countess Marya Zaleska
  10. Sir Frances Varney
  11. Barlow
  12. Blade
  13. Lord Ruthven
  14. Caleb & Mae (Near Dark)
  15. Dracula (as portrayed by Gary Oldman)
  16. Bill Compton
  17. Morbius
  18. Jerry Dandridge
  19. Vampire Hunter D
  20. Vicente (of the 30 Days of Night graphic novel)
You're welcome. Suck on that, Entertainment Weekly.


Unknown said...

I like your list. I haven't yet met the last fellow. I must endeavor to do so.
I'm usually too old and crusty for such things as ogling, but Jerry Dandridge is welcome to put the bite on me anytime!

B-Sol said...

HA--ogle away, Lily!

And yes, you should check out the original Steve Niles 30 Days of Night. It's terrific.

DM said...

Vampire Hunter D. Fuck yeah!

Ms Harker said...

Vincente is a great addition,your list is much better!I still say Bill Compton can take a hike back to pussy town where he came from. Eric is much more worthy and can suck my porcelain neck anytime!


B-Sol said...

HA! I have a sneaking suspicion you must've gotten a thrill out of the opening scene of last episode, Jess.

Ms Harker said...

*blush* Maybe ;) I also like the menu options at Hotel Carmilla!

Anonymous said...

Where's Edward from Twatlight???? How in Satan's name can that handsome hunk of pale flesh be left off your list???

You know I'm kidding, right? Great list!

Anonymous said...

Bela Lugosi Rules!

K said...

Jessie Hooker & Severen from Near Dark should be on the list. Cassidy from Preacher (vertigo comics) and probably Spike from Buffy. Just sayin' :)

kindertrauma said...

Much better list.

drumdiva said...

Oh, god - The Hunger (yum)! "Are you making a pass at me, Mrs Blaylock?"

Mike Pelosi said...

Older post, I know, but excellent list. It's about time someone comes up with a sensible list.

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