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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Tuesday Top 10: Least Frightening Vampires

10. Evil Ed
Yeah, maybe he's kind of freaky when you're about ten years old, but all I can think of now when I look at him in Fright Night is, "I could totally kick this little dweeb's ass..." Besides, he was much scarier in 976-EVIL.... Anybody...?

9. George Hamilton
Captain Coppertone's performance as Dracula in Love at First Bite is right up there with Leslie Neilsen as one of the screen's silliest Counts. The only thing scary about him is his disco dancing, and bizarre attraction to Susan Saint James.

8. Stuart Townsend
Just when I thought Tom Cruise's Lestat was foppish enough, along comes Stuart "Not Good Enough to Play Aragorn" Townsend in the abominable Queen of the Damned. Speaking of vampires I could totally layeth the smacketh down upon...

7. Mark Kendall
Ah, Jim Carrey: The Early Years. Before The Riddler, The Mask, Ace Ventura or even Fire Marshall Bill, Carrey did his best Jerry Lewis impression as the virginal prey of MILFilicious Lauren Hutton in Once Bitten.

6. Eddie
Stephen Root (b.k.a. Milton from Office Space) was heartbreaking as this sad, doomed couch potato bloodsucker on True Blood. The prisoner of humans far more monstrous than he, Eddie is easily the most sympathetic vampire this side of Anne Rice.

5. Rudolph Sackville-Bagg
God love my sweet little daughter, but it truly was a sign of my unconditional love that I managed to sit through the turdtastic The Little Vampire with her from beginning to end. I kept waiting for the scene where the dorky kid from Jerry Maguire gets his throat torn open, but it never came.

4. Grandpa Munster
I never knew that Dracula could be played as a flamboyantly gay Catskills comedian until I witnessed Al Lewis' timeless performance on The Munsters. I think the main reason Lewis got the part was that he was the closest in age to the real thing.

3. Bunnicula
Unlike in James Howe's original kids novels, in the cartoon version Bunnicula did indeed possess "vampiric" abilities, including sucking the juice from vegetables and turning them into veggie-zombies. Yes kids, this was made in the 1970s.

2. Count Chocula
What do you expect from a character designed to push teeth-rotting marshmallow breakfast cereal on kids? Along with his cohorts Frankenberry, Boo Berry and yes, even Yummy Mummy, the Count demonstrated just how far these classic monsters had devolved from their originally fearsome positions in our culture...

1. Edward Cullen
You can take your pick: Is it the pouty lips? Perfectly coiffed yet made-to-look-like-I just-got-out-of-bed hair? Ability to sparkle like Rainbow Brite under direct sunlight? Maybe it's the brooding, I'm-so-misunderstood, bargain basement emo routine that was old in 2004. Or the fact that he's more likely to pounce on a squirrel for sustenance than anything else. Whatever the reason, this poster boy for the "supernatural romance" genre of drugstore fiction would fit in better cradling a buxom wench Fabio-style on some plantation in the cheesily painted cover of a novel my great aunt would read, rather than pretending to be a vampire.

Count Von Count
I really should be flogged for leaving this guy out. Although I feel the need to point out that he used to be a whole lot creepier back in the '70s. Don't believe me? Check this shit out. But yeah, Sesame Street's resident undead muppet is totally harmless. Now if only someone had told my kids that before they met him at Sesame Place...


Anonymous said...

LOL - I use to love "Once Bitten"

KT Grant said...

But Edward sparkles in the sunlight and is like a flying squirrel! I am shocking B-Sol. Seriously.


B-Sol said...

I loved it too, "Anonymous". Especially at the end when Jim gets laid in the coffin. Hilarious.

And Katie, I'm sorry but you're just not gonna get me on the Twilight bandwagon...:-)

KT Grant said...

Perhaps I should dare you to read Twilight and you can see why Edward is so very special.

BJ Colangelo said...

I've read all the books.
I've seen the film
He's not special B. Don't let her fool you!

I figured he was your number one.
You made my week with that.

BJ Colangelo said...


CRwM said...

This is an outrage! Kill the list-maker!!!

By which I mean, nice job.

A little bummed that Count Duckula got no love, but how many vegetarian animal-themed vampires to you need?

Unknown said...

You should have included that Sesame Street counting vampire
dont remember his name

B-Sol said...

Oh my stars and garters--how could I forget THE COUNT!!! Shame, shame, shame on me.

Honorable Mention being added... NOW!

AndyDecker said...

Lol, nice list.

Somehow I think you left out Angel who could emo with the best. On the other hand, the joyful played cruelty of Angelus redeemed a lot of that :-) And of course he could have beaten Edward to a pulp. Which is kind of a nice thought :-)

ardeth blood said...

I have to stand up for "Little Vampire" and "Fright Night".
I don't know but when Evil Ed gets all toothy and "crossed" that scream he does still sends shivers up my spine after all these years.
For a kid vampire Rudolph had more bite then all the Cullens put together.
Which brings me to my last useless point. Vampires DO NOT SPARKLE!

B-Sol said...

Yes, Rudolph is less lame than the Cullens. But, see , that's why Edward was ranked number one and he wasn't :-)
As for Evil Ed, I hear ya, there is a certain creepiness to him, I just feel like over the years he's just become much more funny than scary to me. Not to take anything away from Fright Night, which is an excellent horror comedy.

KT Grant said...

Could the killer bunny with sharp teeth from Monty Python's Quest For the Holy Grail count?

B-Sol said...

Well, it does have a vicious streak a mile wide!!!

Jonathan said...

Did your kids try to stake and behead the Count at Sesame Place???

Edward Cullen and Twilight in general make me want to barf. So awful.

Jonathan said...

I didn't think it was possible, but I've found something worse than Twilight: a TV series that's a ripoff of Twilight!


ardeth blood said...

Actually The Vampire Diaries are 20 years old as far as the books and pre-date Twilight.
So this tv show is a very long time coming.

Michael said...

I'm sure you've never seen a bandana-ed Evil Ed's gay porn appearances from the 1990's. It may not be blood he's sucking but those are really scary.

Anonymous said...

edward's character is fascinating and Rob's portrayal of the most handsome vampire is perfect. love you edward, love you rob
and vampire diaries is very good but twilight saga is much better. we could include the salvatore brothers in this list, Damon and stephen, they are definitely sexy as sin

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