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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Hump-Day Harangue: BLOB-ZOMBIE? Say It Ain't So!

Dear Rob Zombie, you made a couple of good songs back in the day, and a couple of good horror flicks, too. So why must you be the source of so much agita for me, two days in a row? Fresh off my rant on the many sins of Halloween II, I've now caught my breath sufficiently to tackle the latest news rocking the horror interwebs--that Mr. Zombie's next project is going to be a remake of The Blob.

What gets under my skin the most, as I think it did with others, is Rob's assertion that he wants to stay away from a giant red blobby thing in his version of the movie. How that may have scared 1950s audiences, but today's audiences would laugh at it.

Let's get a few things straight here. Firstly, the original 1958 Blob is by no means a classic horror film. It is no more than a fun, popcorn drive-in flick. I also have news for Zombie: It was never meant to be taken completely seriously as a horror film. Not even in 1958. Anyone who's ever seen the goofy opening title sequence, complete with cornball Burt Bacharach tune, can attest to that. It was always a camp film.

Secondly, the whole gimmick of trying to actually make the blob itself scary and not just a giant red jello mold has been done as well. Familiar with the 1988 remake, Mr. Zombie? You know, the one that is actually way better than the original? The one that your version won't be as good as? Yeah, that one.

OK, so what we're dealing with here is a remake of a film that's already been remade. At the moment, I can't even think of any other time that's happened, except for Invasion of the Body Snatchers (and look how that turned out). I mean, how derivative can you get??

All we're going to get with Zombie's version is the blob invading a town populated by sleazy white trash, as the grizzly director attempts oh-so-ironically to comment on the squeaky-clean '50s teens of the original. We get it, Rob. We get it.

Of course, this new version will have some great creature effects and some very creative and entertaining kills... But a remake of a remake? Do I even need to say any more?

Believe it or not, I do think that Rob Zombie is a talented director. I'm one of those who loved both House of 1,000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects. That's why I think the guy needs to lay off these retreads and focus on original material again. Rob Zombie once notoriously said in an interview that remakes were the worst things any director could do. If only he had heeded his own advice...


RayRay said...

Damn, B. You nailed it. Stick to new. Stay away from remakes. This has been a serious problem, lately. And I thought all the outstanding questions were answered in the remake that came out in 1989.

I've said it before: he should be making more exploitation flicks, and Werewolf Women of the S.S. is practically begging to be made.

But take heart. As you yourself said, The Blob is not sacrosanct. He isn't remaking something he can possibly screw up. You cannot hate The Blob - it's a pure monster. It is jelly/liquid and eats people, sometimes surprising them. Later, they find a way to kill it. We eat popcorn.

And maybe if The Blob delivers just that, maybe it will wash some of the bad taste of the H2 Redux.

Pax Romano said...

Well, I suppose that we could get a back story on what made The Blob so bent on world domination in the first place ... and then the entire thing could be set in a very white-trash town, complete with people who say "the f word" a lot. Hey and Sheri could play a slutty waitress with a heart of gold who mistake's The Blob for a bowl of Jello that she in turn serves to someone (no doubt a cult film star from the 70's) ... oh, the possibilities are endless.

Frostbeard said...

Just to nitpick, on the subject of remakes of remakes, there are at least a few others in the genre. I Am Legend is a remake of The Omega Man which is a remake of The Last Man on Earth. Frankenstein and Dracula each have many iterations. There's talk of a remake of The Thing, John Carpenter's version already being a remake itself. Interesting to note, though, that all of these are based on books or short stories.

B-Sol said...

Yes, Ray, I would LOVE to see Zombie do Werewolf Women of the SS. That's something he could have fun with. And Frostbeard, I wasn't including movies based on books, like I Am Legend, Dracula and Frankenstein.

kindertrauma said...

I'm not digging this idea much either, strange fit of director and Material. In a recent publication whose name I won't mention, Rob cited "Freaks", "Spider Baby" & "Deranged" as three of his favorite horror films. I think he would do an astounding job remaking any of those and could actually deliver the film that he has been trying to all this time. "The Blob" would be better off with somebody who has a bit more technical prowess and experience with effects. I'm a huge fan of the 88 version, it's going to be hard to top.

On the plus side; Brad Dourif as the homeless guy who first discovers the blob!-Unk

Keith said...

I like Rob Zombie. He's made some movies that I enjoyed. I wish he would stay away from remakes. Do something of his own. Hollywood has another remakes out there as it is.

Anonymous said...

I love Rob Zombie films & I would also love to see him do more original movies of his own. But, can u at least wait for the movie to come out before you bash it!

KT Grant said...

GAG ME!!! Is this going to be son of the blob? The blog hooks up with radioactive jello or pudding?

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